DARK SHADOWS (2012)

Ah, yes.  Johnny.  There you are old chap.  Back in the eclectic seat.  No Brit accent this time?

Well I laughed and I probably laughed out louder than the others.  (Nothing to do with earlier libations.)  Dark Shadows was funny.  And crazy.  And odd.  But funny.  Anything that puts McDonalds and Mephistopheles in the same sentence is a good time for this lady.

So what is it about anyway?  It's about a vampire called Barnabas Collins, once heir to a fortune, born in the 18th century, but then cursed into immortality and buried for eons by a scorned, witchy lover (Eva Green).  Accidentally set free from his tomb, Barnabas rises, seeks his home and becomes intent on restoring the Collins name and fishing business to its former glory.  Unfortunately, his bloodline has trickled down to two lifeless, cynical siblings (Michelle Pfeifer/Johnny Lee Miller), and their respective daughter and son.  Some alcoholic doctor (Helena Bonham Carter) lives with them, hired to help the son deal with the loss of his mother.  An au pair hired in addition, seems Barnabas' dead wife incarnate.  They fall in love.  Witchy lover, still very much alive and thriving and pining for Barnabas, plays nemesis.  Love and karma prevail.  Immortal love is found, albeit morbidly.  It all happens in the 1970s.

Groovy.

Another John Christopher Depp and Tim Burton collaboration that is another predictable success.  Boo.  Look,  I like the film.  Yes I enjoyed it.  It's entertaining.  It's not the film.  The film adequately delivers.  I'm probably just expecting more from Johnny Depp, and maybe, dare I say it, something new from Tim Burton?

I'm the first person to vote for the weird.  I could possibly be the very, very, very last synonym in your thesaurus.  Eclecticism?  Sign me up.  Wrap three scarves around my neck, pop the silver teeth into my mouth, put me in a chic Bhikku and braid peacock feathers into my hair.  HOWEVER, I'm also the first person to vote for change.  Too much of the ying gives me a pang.  Say whaaat?  (See?  Weird.)

Dear Mr. Depp,

  I can't believe I haven't written you yet.  So maybe recent straight characters haven't done well for you.  The Tourist?  Atrocious!  But as much as I love you with the accents and the costumes I'd like to see you without them.  I'd like to see what you could do with a haircut and a shower.  I can be harsh because I loved.  And tell Tim he's my inspiration, one of my three director crushes and if I worked with him on anything in my lifetime it would be an honour but tell him we might like to see different actors?  Different muses?  Maybe something without you or his wife?

Yours, Possibly?

The verdict goes like this:  Good acting.  Smart script.  Funny.  Fun.  Decent way to spend your money.  Sure, see Dark Shadows.  You'll laugh.  After all Johnny knows how to make us do that doesn't he?  Am I right ladies?  And by laugh I mean...

I'm just kidding.

SOMETHING BORROWED (2011)

I wish I had borrowed someone else's mind for the 112 minute viewing of Something Borrowed so I could give back the hard drive.  I would also like to be reimbursed for time lost and emotional distress caused by false advertising.

A. Misleading Title:  When something is borrowed the presumption is that it's going to be returned.

B. Misleading Trailer:  Two best friends, one is getting married, the other kisses her fiance, a romantic comedy ensues, maybe some conflict, probably a happy ending.

Something is NOT returned, there is minimal romance and comedy, and NO HAPPY ENDING.

Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Darcy (Kate Hudson) are childhood friends.  Rachel is the polite and sensible one, Darcy is loud and attention-seeking.  Darcy gets engaged to dashing Dex (Colin Egglesfield), who was first Rachel's friend in law school.  Sharing a taxi after the the engagement party, Rachel and Dex kiss and end up in bed.  In the morning they realize that they're in love with each other and always have been.  They decide not to say anything about what happened because, after all, Dex is set to marry Darcy.  Well, for the aggravating remainder of the film, Rachel and Dex have an affair behind Darcy's back.  Rachel ignores the advice of her best pal Ethan (Krasinski), to make Dex commit to her or end the 'relationship.'  Dex tells Rachel he has to marry Darcy.  Later on though he changes his mind and cancels the wedding.  When Darcy runs to cry on Rachel's shoulder, she finds Dex with her and discovers the truth.  Heartbroken, she never wants to see Rachel again.  Months later the two cross each other on the street, say hey and go on their way, Darcy to a new life with someone else, Rachel around the corner to Dex, waiting for her on a bench.

I was seething with disgust for everyone in this film when it was all said and done.  I especially wanted to slap Rachel, who was really a pathetic, desperate, cheating, lousy excuse for a friend.  Yes, even though Darcy was not the nicest friend either, at least she was genuine.  I have no sympathy whatsoever for the couple the writers presented us.  Are we, the audience, supposed to want Rachel and Dex to end up together?  Are we supposed to sympathize with them?  If you do you're an idiot.

Me, I'm not for idiocy.  Idiotic is what Something Borrowed really is.  I just didn't see the point of the film.  Do these things happen in real life?  Probably.  But just because it happens in real life doesn't mean we want to see it on the screen.  There's no redeeming value to Something Borrowed.  Did I learn anything?  No.  Did I laugh out loud?  No.  Did I 'Awww, that is so sweet' which I expect to do when I watch what I expect to be a romantic comedy?  No.  Did I laugh then cry?  No.

In conclusion if you can't do it like Shakespeare don't write us problem plays.  You'll only give us a problem.

Boos:

Title

Premise.

Dialogue.

Characters.

Conclusion.

Only Yay:

John Krasinski.

*Aside* It's A Thin Line Between Love and Friendship?  What does that mean?